Thursday, July 20, 2006

Bring on the toys


FIFA announced that it was banning Zidane for three games following his (in)famous headbutt at the finals of the World Cup. Nevermind that he already retired.

This strange exercise in punishment reminded me of how FIFA and the UN are similar, both issuing empty threats and pronouncements that are impossible to enforce.

My solution is simple. The UN and FIFA should both be disbanded and replaced by stuffed giraffes. They would probably do a better job than the current parties involved in those organizations. (Why stuffed giraffes? Because they're more deliciously surrealistically absurd than most other stuffed animals...and let's face it, the UN in particular is (unfortunately not deliciously) surrealistically absurd in its ineffectiveness much of the time.)

In discussing this with my friend Dave, I came to the conclusion that we should go a step further - maybe the secret to world peace is replacing all world leaders and members of international organizations with a hegemonic hodge-podge of cabbage-patch kids and care bears. I always found that Helmut Kohl looked a bit like a cabbage-patch kid...(and he was a decent world leader, ergo cabbage-patch kids would make good world leaders). Care bears would provide the enforcement wing for everyone, bringing happy things to bad people around the world to make them see the error of their ways.

Seriously - it couldn't be much more ineffective than passing UN Security Council resolutions or suspending retired players...


Blogger satmandu said...

This probably explains why Buffy the Vampire Slayer's ex-demon character Anya considers stuffed animals evil.

12:07 PM  
Anonymous JSZ0 said...

Let's bring back the League of Nations. I always liked that name. The 'United Nations' is so weak.

1:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The UN is capable of sensible policy and is a stage in a still-evolving process of obviating statehood, but it is persistently undermined by American and Israeli efforts to escape even criticism. FIFA is shit beginning to end, coddling racism and deliberately screwing over women's football. What's worse, there is no analog for American or Israeli lawlessness: the UN might be well-intentioned but impotent and backbitten, but FIFA is FIFA's own heaviest impediment to functioning properly.

5:23 PM  

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