Bring on the toys

FIFA announced that it was banning Zidane for three games following his (in)famous headbutt at the finals of the World Cup. Nevermind that he already retired.

This strange exercise in punishment reminded me of how FIFA and the UN are similar, both issuing empty threats and pronouncements that are impossible to enforce.

My solution is simple. The UN and FIFA should both be disbanded and replaced by stuffed giraffes. They would probably do a better job than the current parties involved in those organizations. (Why stuffed giraffes? Because they're more deliciously surrealistically absurd than most other stuffed animals...and let's face it, the UN in particular is (unfortunately not deliciously) surrealistically absurd in its ineffectiveness much of the time.)

In discussing this with my friend Dave, I came to the conclusion that we should go a step further - maybe the secret to world peace is replacing all world leaders and members of international organizations with a hegemonic hodge-podge of cabbage-patch kids and care bears. I always found that Helmut Kohl looked a bit like a cabbage-patch kid...(and he was a decent world leader, ergo cabbage-patch kids would make good world leaders). Care bears would provide the enforcement wing for everyone, bringing happy things to bad people around the world to make them see the error of their ways.

Seriously - it couldn't be much more ineffective than passing UN Security Council resolutions or suspending retired players...